Overwhelmed and Burnt Out?

Simple Strategies Every Parent Needs to Know

Does anyone else find that parenting has become completely overwhelming? As mothers we are constantly bombarded with messages about what we should be doing with our children, and more often, what we should NOT be doing. We can feel under pressure to sign up for this activity and sign up for that experience, all of which requires the investment of time, energy and money – all of which are limited. There are endless social expectations of what a ‘good mother’ is, alongside the insidious messages about how women should behave. The expectations on us are never ending and seem to completely neglect the fact we have many roles in our lives.

As parents we want the best for our children, and our current culture seems to be feeding off this. We are being marketed products which promise to improve our children’s lives, whilst implying that we should be putting the needs of our children at the forefront of everything. I am a huge advocate of prioritising children’s wellbeing, but I am beginning to question our current approach to doing this.

Children need unconditional love, along with clear boundaries to keep them safe and grounded. They want parents who see them for who they are, not who the adult wants them to be. Children require emotional containment – a safe place to express emotions where they will not be shut down or feel like they are overwhelming the adult. Children also need parents who are present; paying attention to them and not distracted by technology and constantly doing things. Children do not need parents to be present the whole time – this is not only completely unrealistic, it is impossible: no-one can be present the whole time, and we all have lives we need to get along with. Parents who are feeling exhausted will find it very difficult to do any of this.

When we are feeling under pressure to meet all these demands, it puts our nervous system into threat mode. Our threat system is activated when there is a perceived danger. When we first evolved, threats would include predators, when one was spotted our threat system would trigger the release of hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol, to enable us to run away or fight the danger. Sometimes the threat system can respond in other ways, known as freeze or flop, and these occur when the threat is seen as too much and playing dead is the best option. Once the threat had passed our parasympathetic nervous system (the system which activates rest and relaxation) would take over and instruct the body to relax, as all was seen to be safe.

In our current society, the perceived threats are never-ending, from the news, to screaming children, to constant alerts on our phones, to social judgements. This can lead to our threat systems being permanently activated, which can result in burnout. Burnout can be experienced in relation paid work and unpaid roles such as parenting or caring. Burnout can be characterised by exhaustion, anxiety, depression, indifference or detachment, irritability and anger, sleep disturbance, lack of motivation, and cognitive problems (Parker, Travella & Eyers, 2022; Plumbly, 2024). To try to prevent burnout, or help us work our way out of it, we need to actively engage our rest system – to tell our bodies we are safe.

The most effective way to activate our rest system is through our body, and bypass our active brains. One of the simplest ways to do this is through deep breathing. When we are in threat mode we tend to breath in our upper chest and take quick shallow breaths. Taking a moment to breath in through our nose, allowing the air to fill our lungs and push our diaphragm down and stomach out, pausing, and then releasing the air slowly out, can be the quick reset button we need. This can be built on with other breathing exercises to extend the relaxation. Activities such as yoga, mindfulness and meditations can also be extremely beneficial to encourage regular moments of rest.

It can also be helpful to look at the values we hold and assessing if we are living in line with these. Spending quality time as a family, having fun, feeling connected to friends and having deep conversation are so important to me. As well as spending time in nature and helping people make real positive change in their lives. Once you have your values it can be so much easier to put in boundaries around your time, to say no to things which are not in line with your values, and the courage to say yes to the things that are. It can also be the first step in letting go of the standards we feel are imposed on us. Starting to identify the myriads of expectations we have internalised can be incredibly empowering. From feeling pressure to always make home-cooked food, to feeling like we should always play with our children, that we can never use screens for our children, or that we must tidy the house before anyone comes around. Once you have identified the expectations you experience you can start to question them and whether they serve you or can be altered or completely disregarded. Starting to introduce flexibility in our approach can feel so freeing and be the stepping stone to transforming the way we spend our time.

It can be incredibly helpful to talk to others about how you are feeling and to support you make these changes, whether this is a friend, colleague, family member or professional. However you approach things, I sincerely hope you can welcome rest into your life more and reap the huge benefits this can bring.